I expected to feel elated and cheery once I’d handed in my uni work, but I just feel lost. The force that has driven me for seven months has ceased and I am left floating in this in between world. I have another 5 weeks until my results come out, and although I’ve only actually been free for 15 days it feels like a month has passed already. Time seems to have lost some of its meaning, often dragging. I wasn’t prepared to feel this underwhelmed and directionless.
I’m doing my annual spate at school as an invigilator, which is fine but not overly stimulating. My brain is tired and, at the same time, feeling bewildered at this sudden cessation of mental activity. I sleep well one night and barely at all the next. I’m finding myself unable to settle at anything, and while I yearn for time when I’m not working I also struggle to decide what to do when I have freedom. Indecision reigns.
I have my Literacy skills test booked for my PGCE and have just begun the arduous and utterly unenjoyable task of prepping myself for my Numeracy skills test. I feel frustrated that these tests are even necessary – it screams bureaucratic bullshit to me. I have GSCE Maths, and 2 English A Levels. Why do I need to prove myself again? Oh, just jump through another hoop, would you?
So this is, thus far, much more of a rant than an ode to gratitude. However, I am grateful to the lovely people who help to keep my spirits up. I find myself missing my friends – both from uni and from the outside world – and all of the love that I previously poured into one person is now homeless. I’m concerned about becoming a mither to certain people as their lives are no less busy now than they were 5 weeks ago. My world has changed but theirs has remained the same.
I’m looking forward to catching up with my two oldest and closest friends next week, and one of my uni friends has suggested a day with our books, reading in companionable silence. Sometimes it’s less about talking and more about just being with someone, and I know she’s feeling similarly adrift.
Thank you if you’re one of the people helping to keep my spirits buoyed. Thank you if you’re bearing with my bouts of affectionate volcanism. Thank you if you’re putting up with my outbursts of irritation, anger or melancholy. And thank you if you’re reading this… All advice gratefully received.